Warning - Contains Mild Insanity

Disclaimer - I was asked to post this blog - it really is a true story and one more little memory of my month in Guam - really - I promise it's true.  Things like this always happen to me....brace yourself....you may laugh too much.

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever traveled internationally through the Atlanta airport - if so then you know what I am talking about...if not .....don't.  I hate the Atlanta airport - I believe I have mentioned this before.  It is too crowded and too big.

Last Sunday - I traveled for 23 hours to get home.  Fours hours from Guam to Tokyo - then waiting in Narita airport and then almost 14 hours from Tokyo to Guam.  I spent my time watching movies that I wouldn't pay to see.  Seriously, I had my own little TV set and I watched movies the entire time.....I only fell asleep during one movie and I fell asleep after it started and woke up before it ended.  I watched movies right up until they made me put away my TV...(this is important to know for later)  So needless to say, when I disembarked, I was running on adrenaline and just wanted to get home.  Robbie and Daniel were waiting for me already.  I needed to be out of airports.

When you deplane on an international flight in Atlanta, you must claim your luggage.  Let me remind you that I had two GIANT bags plus a carry on plus a backpack.  I will pack so much better next time.....ANYWAY - you walk out of the baggage claim area and around a corner only to find out that you have to GIVE THEM BACK YOUR LUGGAGE AND GO THROUGH SECURITY AGAIN - and yes that is even if you are leaving the airport and not changing flights.  By the way - just an FYI  - if you are getting back on a plane, you have to get your luggage and recheck it.  So this just infuriates me.  I just want to leave - I need to leave - I need to sleep and I need a bath.  Pulling one's own luggage off the carousel makes one sweat - especially when one has one WAY over the weight limit piece of luggage.

So I am standing in a really long line thinking of all the airports that I will use the next time I fly internationally,  when it occurs to me that I took out all of my liquids out of the little ziploc during the flight and they want them BACK in the little ziploc - so while I am trying to keep moving forward, I am going through everything trying to get things back in order.  I just need to go home  - I don't need to go through security........

It's my turn.  I take my shoes off - put all my stuff on the conveyor belt - including taking out my computer - empty my pockets....etc.  And once again, I am chosen for the full body scan.  Step into the tube - hold your arms up - get xrayed.  I am sure we are all going to get cancer from these full body scans at the airport - I have now officially had my fair share of full body scans.  Luckily I am not so young - it will take a while for the cancer to grow.  I should be good.

Next, step up to a rubber pad and put your feet on the little feet painted on the pad.  Wait for your scan results......and wait.....and wait.....and wait.  Then I see the man standing in front of me wave someone over.

An African-American woman who is TWICE my height gets right in front of me and says....(wait for it)......................."I am going to need to touch your breasts.  Are you in any pain?"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Yeah - she wasn't kidding.  It then occurs to me that since I watched movies until the very end....I had already put my stuff in the overhead bins.....and so I put my ipod head set.........................IN MY BRA.  Yep - I had a cute little wire with two little things on the end of it show up on my full body scan.  I hurriedly pull them out - smiling.....and say "Oops - totally forgot about these."  She then replies, "I have to do it anyway."  Did you read the part about there being a long line and that the Atlanta airport has tons of people in it?  Well they were all staring at the lady who was packing bombs in her boobs.

Thinking back, I wonder if I should have told her that I was in pain.......

I am pretty sure that you have a lovely picture in your head at this point - so I won't go into to any more detail - but it happened....I have a couple thousand witnesses.